Infinite Consortium Voicemail

[deathsmajesty]

"You have reached the Fandom Island branch of the Infinite Consortium. Leave your name, number, and a brief message."

Shop or not, Liliana wasn't promising to call anybody back.

Comments

[single_man_tear]

Very late on Tuesday night the following text was sent:

I regret to inform you that the clockwork droid has been damaged and rendered useless. It also tried to kill me. I believe I voided the warranty by shooting it and then burning it.

[deathsmajesty]

Liliana just stared at her phone. "How did you manage to fuck up an inert artifact, you nonsense creature?" she muttered.

How was it able to almost kill you? Did you feed it after midnight?

Look, Dean. She had jokes.

[single_man_tear]

If only she understood the context of the joke it would be even funnier.

Ghost possessed it and tried to take me out. See above regarding shooting, burning and voiding warranty.

[deathsmajesty]

It would be! But, sadly, no one had taken an interest in showing Liliana movies!

How sad, considering our warranties are normally so robust. So did you toss it into a furnace or are you riding around with a naked and scorched droid?

Could a bonfire get hot enough to melt metal?

[single_man_tear]

Not that bonfire. Probably did a lot of damage though.

It's sitting in an open grave that is no doubt charred and probably smoldering at the moment. The local police department can deal with it now.

Dean had left the contraption in pretty bad shape. It's fine.

Totally fine.

[deathsmajesty]

It was like Dean had never seen a horror movie before in his life. Fortunately, neither had Liliana, so he was safe from scorn on that front anyway.

The open grave from whence the ghost originated, I assume? Or have you taken up a side hobby of grave robbing? I hadn't realized we had so much in common, Dean.

[single_man_tear]

Dean had seen plenty of horror movies! But those things are completely different from actual horror situations.

Plus he wasn't in the mood to care.

It's more grave burning than robbing. And it's more of a profession than a hobby. I used to have amateur status but I gave that up after I got the bronze in the grave burning world championship. Lost out to the Chinese team.

[deathsmajesty]

Oh look! Liliana had context for this, now that the Olympics had happened vaguely in her vicinity!

I heard they were using performance enhancing burn fuel anyway.

And then, grudgingly, I'm safe to assume from this conversation that you escaped unscathed and this isn't your last goodbye before you shuffle off your mortal coil?

[single_man_tear]

Dean snorted in amusement when he read Lil's text.

He considered just not responding and making her think otherwise, but instead:

You’re safe to assume I’m still here, but I wouldn’t start planning the party just yet. I’ve got a few more lives left in me.

[deathsmajesty]

Well do let me know if that changes darling. I look absolutely stunning in black. And the chair has already found a little party hat.

Don't die, Dean. It would annoy her.

[single_man_tear]

I am not giving you or the chair any kind of satisfaction by dying out here alone.

[deathsmajesty]

Awww, you're no fun. What am I supposed to do with the party hat now?

[single_man_tear]

Get a second one and dress up like Madonna?

This was followed by a picture of Madonna as Lili probably needed the context.

[deathsmajesty]

Darling, you've seen my chest. There's no way in the Abyss that hat has a chance of containing it.

What? Sure Dean had a girlfriend, but he'd seen her cleavage. There was no hiding the truth.

[single_man_tear]

To be fair? Dean has not seen the size of the supposed party hat.

Just try it out for Ignis. I'm sure he'll enjoy it.

Dean knew he was just setting her up to make a compliment to herself but if it worked Ignis can thank Dean later.

[deathsmajesty]

You do remember that Ignis is blind, not from Earth, and unimpressed by the feeling of cardboard, yes?

[single_man_tear]

Yep he totally did forget Ignis was blind. Again.

Look, Ignis is a very tricky fellow!

You don't know that! It may surprise you!

[deathsmajesty]

Liliana was going to tell Ignis to spit into Dean's next burger.

I feel confident in my assessment of my paramour's vision, homeland, and texture preferences.

[single_man_tear]

Dean had probably worse things in his burgers.

Guys never tell the girl they're with everything they like...

[deathsmajesty]

The next text he got was the audio texts she and Ignis used to text one another.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Enjoy a six second soundclip of Liliana laughing at that, complete with a little sigh at the end.

[single_man_tear]

Dean wished he could have sent back a snappy comeback. But that laughter. The sound of someone amused. Happy.

He tossed his phone to the side and let her have the last laugh. Literally.